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When our daughter was in elementary school, we lived across the street from her best friend, Carrie. They met when Carrie was fourteen months old and our daughter was five months old. Growing up they played together every day either at our house or Carrie’s. One might say they were inseparable. Insepeperable, that is, until bedtime. Our daughter was invited time after time to sleep over at Carrie’s. Each and every time she would pack her little bag and skip across the street with every intention of staying the night. And, each and every time she would return some time between 9 p.m. and midnight. The doorbell would ring and there she would stand holding the hand of Carrie’s dad saying, "I want to come home to sleep."
For most elementary age kids the word "sleepover" is often a misnomer. They are drawn to the big-kid aspects of sleepovers and in their minds it means they get to do stuff they don’t get to do at home like stay up late, eat junk food and play with their friends all night long. But when bedtime arrives and it’s time to turn out the lights, it’s common for younger kids to regress and long for the security of home and Mom and Dad.
It might seem like a good idea to put off the whole sleepover thing until your kids are older, but these days there are no standards about age and when to have the first sleepover. Your kid will probably get his/her first invitation to a sleepover or slumber party before the age of eight. Some kids are ready to stay overnight with a friend by this age; others are not ready until age ten or older.
Each child is different and needs to be assessed individually. If your kid is enthusiastic about the idea, you should be willing to give it a go. To help everyone, including you, enjoy sweet dreams, here are some common sense strategies to help make your kid’s first sleepover a positive experience.
Make sure your child is prepared to spend a night away from home. Before your kid stays at a friend’s house, he/she should be used to staying overnight with grandparents, other close relatives or family friends.
A big clue we missed with our daughter was that she had trouble staying overnight anywhere other than home. Even her grandparents had to bring her home at bedtime just like her best friend’s dad. Some kids are just slower than others to give up the security of home at bedtime.
You might try suggesting to your kid that he/she take a favorite toy or his/her own pillow. For some this is very helpful in easing that little bit of anxiety that may arrive at bedtime. For others, nothing you suggest helps. Some kids just want to be home at bedtime. It’s important to make sure your kid knows it is okay with you if he/she is not ready to stay a night away from home.
Tell your kid it is OK to call home or go home. Tell your kid it is OK to call you from their friend’s house. If your kid calls begging to come home, that means he is not having fun any more. If you refuse to go get him, he will be more reluctant to go next time. All parents should give the stamp of approval to their kid that if he/she is upset in the night it is OK to call and ask to come home. Remember the end goal is the future and forming a relationship with your child that allows him/her the security of calling home if he/she feels unsafe.
If your kid has a history of failed sleepovers, you might want to postpone future invitations until he/she is a little older and more mature. A good way to help your kid transition is to let him/her go to a friend’s house in the evening dressed in pj’s and play until bedtime. Make arrangements to pick him/her up and come back home to sleep for the night.
Set boundaries about staying up too late and being grumpy the next day. The most common complaint from parents about younger kids doing sleepovers is that they stay up too late and return the next day irritable and tired. Most kids need 10 to 11 hours of sleep per night, and sleepovers definitely leave kids with a deficit. Limit sleepovers to no more than two per month and say "No" if your kid, or you, has an unusually busy week ahead.
It’s best to schedule sleepovers on a Friday night instead of Saturday. This gives your kid more time to recuperate before going back to school on Monday.
When I was a kid, it was an iron clad rule that if I came home cranky after a sleepover, I had to have a nap the following day. This not only gave me the opportunity to recover from loss of sleep, but also gave me a chance to manage my irritable mood.
Know the host family. As parents, it is our responsibility to protect our child. If you don’t know the host family, it is not a bad idea to call and ask to meet at their house for a cup of coffee or tea. The other parents should be as open to this as you. Don’t be afraid to ask about such things as the night’s activities, house rules, PG-13 movies, unsuper-vised time on com-puters and violent video games. How many kids will be there, who are the kids, who else will be in the house and where will your child be sleeping are all questions that need to be asked ahead of time. If anything makes you feel uneasy, trust your instincts and call off the sleepover or suggest the kids stay at your house instead.
If by default you find yourself in the position of hosting the sleepover, extend the same courtesies to other parents that you expect. Be free with information about what time kids should arrive, who will be in charge, where everyone will sleep and what pickup time will be the next day.
Let your kid go. So, if your kid has been begging for months and you’ve done your homework to prepare him/her to the best of your ability, it’s time to let go and allow your kid to experience his/her first sleepover. Being nervous and anxious about your kid spending his/her first night away with a friend is normal. After all, this is your child and on a sleepover he/she is out of your sight and out of your control. But, if you’ve laid the proper foundation, you can rest peacefully knowing your kid will have a great time or call if needed.
Much of parenting is a process of letting go and allowing kids to take and succeed at new steps toward independence. As parents we are supposed to be giving our kids the freedom of making the leap and trying something new. It is our responsibility to make sure the risks they are taking are safe ones. Be available in the middle of the night and provide a safety net if needed.
Amanda R. Ward, MS, LPC, is a couples, family and individual counselor. |
