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by Amanda Ward

They’re back! Just when you thought you could breathe and have your home all to your self, you find that one or more of your grown kids are back in his or her old room. And, not only has he or she taken up residence, there are also special dietary requests, your favorite chair and TV have been commandeered, and your home office looks like a command station for text, IM and email transactions. Your once peaceful home has become the hub for your adult child’s social life, which just happens to start about the same time everyday that yours is winding down.

Young adults who left to go to college, get married, or test their independence are moving back home. They even have a name. They’re called Boomerang Kids (BK). According to a recent story on the CBS Evening News, the trend is cyclical and about 56% of young men and 43% of women between the ages of 18 and 24 are returning to live with one or both parents.

The reasons are many and may with loss of employment, college/credit card debt or divorce being the most common. It sometimes makes sense for your kid to return to the nest in order to reduce credit card or college debt, recover from a divorce or look for a job. But it can be a very confusing and stressful time for both child and parent. This is your child and you want to help, but he or she is not a little kid any more. What rules apply? Do you charge rent? Do they have curfews? And if it comes to it, how do you ask your son or daughter to leave when the time comes?

As tough as it can be, many families make it work. Having adult children live under your roof isn’t the same as dealing with them when they were kids. In fact, treating them as you did when they were kids is a guaranteed way to cause more problems than you will ever be able to solve. Most of the problems that arise between parents and the BK are a result of poor communication concerning expectations surrounding the new living conditions. In essence, two adult families will now be living under the same roof. A little quality communication before the BK returns is essential to a harmonious relationship after he or she returns. One of the best ways to foster quality communication up front is to enter into a written contract.

Putting your expectations in writing leaves little room for misunderstanding concerning what is expected or what happens when an expectation is not met. Sit down with your BK and go over the rules. Have an open conversation about all the pros and cons of having a written agreement. Cover your expectations about curfews, household chores, financial responsibilities (rent, groceries, fun money), setting a departure date and how younger siblings are to be treated. Remind your BK that he or she is no longer covered under the same umbrella of allowances, restrictions and consequences as your kids who are still at home. On the same note, remember your BK is not the same kid who went off to college or left to get married. Remember, you can no longer choose their friends or the places they hang out in their free time. Make sure everyone understands this is a temporary, one-time situation when you put together the "We Are All Living Under One Roof" contract.

Good communication up front is the one factor that gives the parent and the BK a better chance at successfully dealing with the new living arrangement. Your BK needs to understand if he or she is to pay rent or contribute in tangible ways to the household. If this is the arrangement, settle on a fair amount based on your child’s income. If your BK has moved back and cannot contribute financially, choose other ways for him or her to contribute like mowing the lawn, doing housework or helping with younger kids. In the contract, be sure to address issues like: who will cover additional expenses, overnight guests, privacy rules for parents and your BK, chores and set house rules for swearing, noise and computer privileges.

Parents of children that repeatedly boomerang find that relationships worsen each time the child returns. The purpose of allowing your kid to move back home is to enable him or her to build an independent life, not to keep him or her in your home as a permanent resident and enable the behavior that caused the return. Returning to home base is a safety net option that allows your BK to make a transition based upon a clearly defined need, like loss of job and income.

If your BK has moved back home because he or she is in over their head with credit card and other debt, help them restructure their debts. Resist the urge to bail your kid out and save the "I told you so" lectures for another day. Instead, show him or her how to negotiate with debtors and then teach them how to avoid new debt by living within a budget. A great incentive for your BK is to agree with him or her that they can live with you rent free if they put away their credit cards, work to reduce their debt and live within their means.

Do not sacrifice your own financial future to bail your kids out of debt. This behavior in most instances will only enable your child to get further in debt and deplete your wealth as well. Children tend to think their parents are wealthier than they really are. Remember your kids have decades to build financial wealth and you may only be a few years from your retirement. If not careful, you could end up spending your resources causing you to depend on your kids for financial help in your retirement years. Lead by example, and if you need to seek outside help to get your own finances in order, do so!

If your BK is back in the nest due to a divorce or broken relationship, give him or her the space needed to deal with their hurt, guilt and grief. Listen if they need to talk, but don’t allow yourself the luxury of choosing sides. Resist the urge to give unsolicited advice and encourage them to seek outside help to deal with all their emotions.

Having an adult child move back home can be a rewarding experience. It presents a unique opportunity for both parent and child to get acquainted on an adult level. It provides a safety net for your adult child to "get back on his or her feet" and gives parents a chance to interact with their child in ways not possible before. When our daughter moved back home to finish her last few semesters of college it required "thinking before you speak" technology so as not to treat her as the child we remembered her being. With a few reminders from her that she was no longer a kid and a few reminders from us that we were no longer in the business of raising kids, a comfortable pattern developed and a new adult to adult relationship formed out of her flight back into the nest. Soon our own Boomerang Kid graduated college and was able to make it on her own.

The key to a successful relationship with your BK is to foster independence, not dependence. Assuming their debt or allowing them to live rent or responsibility free in your home is not the way to accomplish this. You and your BK need to have a clear understanding that he or she is a guest in your home. Any guest has defined responsibilities and a defined departure date. If this is not the case, you may find you are enabling bad behavior instead of fostering their growth as an independent adult.